Sunday, 6 July 2008

Diary of a typical white South African ..

.....if he thought a foreigner was reading it.

6:00 am : Awoken again by the sounds of gun shots and screams of rape. Take a quick walk around the house. Kids are still alive. Temporary.

6 30 am : Dig out some old cans of baked beans from the rations pantry. Hardly an appropriate meal for a man on death row. And as a white South African who plans to go out today to go to work , one might as well be walking the green mile.

7 : am : Begin the pointless task of taking a shower. I'll soon be covered in blood and bits of strangers brains anyway. As always when showering I chiefly think about Jacob Zuma. Did you know Africans think showering and beetroot can cure aids ?

I get out and and on my clothes , starting with my diapers. I'll doubtless sh!t myself sometime during the day on one of the many life threatening encounters I'll have. I put on my camouflaged pants and bullet proof vest and tuck in my pistol.

7 30am : Start the long arduous task of unlocking the steel door. Lift the beams , unpadlock the chains , pull out the bolts , punch in a code , turn the dials ....and take a deep breath. slowly push the door open with the rifle of the shot gun. Nobody in plain site. They must be preparing an ambush.

7 31 am : I give the orders to my neighbor and car pool friend on the walkie talkie. In unison with a "go ! go ! go !" we raid our lawns like a blitzkrieg diving first behind our strategically placed sandbags. We let out a few rounds at any bushes before getting into the car.

"Where's your wife ?" I ask him.

"She took a particular bad raping last night , she's calling in sick. I hope she doesn't have aids. Do you know Thabo Mbeki thinks aids can be cured with garlic ?" He tells me.

"I sure do , did she take a shower ?"

We laugh. Ah , the strange but rare and fleeting sensation of laughter. I'd almost forgotten I was capable of it.

"How're the kids ? " I ask him.

"Little Timmy took a bullet , but the few we have left are all still alive. Freakish luck. "

"Yes, I say , mine are alive too. It's been a good week. A few cousins hacked to death with machetes , but nothing that would make the papers."

Our chit chat is interrupted by the familiar whistle of mortars coming in. We speed off.

7 47 : Arrive at work attracting hardly any gun fire or driving over anyone whose fallen in the streets because of aids. Did you know , 2 out of every 1 South Africans has contracted aids at least 5 times ? We make it into the office.

8 am : Role call. The boss comes in checks to see who has made it to work alive. We've lost a secretary but not one with big tits , so there's all round relief.

8 30 : The electricity comes on for a brief few minutes. The boss runs out excitedly ringing his bell."Quickly he says !!! To the computers while we have the chance !!!" ...After a few moments we recover from the shock of having electricity we rush down to the fireman poles and slide down to the computer room. We quickly finish our work (there's not much to do since the South African economy has entirely collapsed ) so we use this precious time to go on youtube and spread the negative truth about South Africa on any videos we can find. I find one of a tourist who thinks they had a nice time in south Africa but quickly correct them and warn anyone from coming lest they want to commit suicide.

10 : 30 : Lose my job to a black person again. Shrug my shoulders. I'm to blame for complaining when my black boss tied me to the wagon wheel and whipped me. I also didn't fellate him nearly as enthusiastically as he demands. I should know better.

11 : 00 am : As I'm arming myself to go home my boss says he can't wait for Mandela to die so that he can kill white people legally. He promises to first kill my children and make me watch while he performs satanistuic rituals with their hearts and drinks their blood. I think him for his relatively kind words. He's not as bad as other black people.

11 30 am : I'm murdered and become a silent statistic.


Anonymous said...

This was done in extremely bad taste. No wonder whites hate the blacks.

imd said...

Whoever wrote this crap obviously does not live in South Africa. You are a white American who gets his jollies sneering at SA whites.

You do this in your spare time, which you obviously have a lot of, as you either don't have a job or have one that is totally insignificant. How do you have the nerve to link yourself to the Homecoming Revolution???

Incidentally: the reason you don't get laid is because you have neither looks, money, charm nor personality. You do a lot of sneering to make up for it, though.

bovinerebel said...

Thanks imd. ISadly I'm far too in love with myself to feel any need to validate myself to some random stranger. Love and hugs.

Anonymous said...

You are a sick fuck

bovinerebel said...

That coming from the likes of you ? You do realise the article is meant to satirise the way you lot speak about South Africa , and is not a freakign wish list ? I understand you're a dim witted but surely that much is feaking obvious.

Anonymous said...

Or maybe you are a right-wing whitey trying to make black people look bad?

Or maybe you are trying some social experiment to see how many people you can offend.

This is still in bad taste.

I don't believe this crap coming from a human being. Are you for real? This is a sick joke. You must be so bitter and can't get over your own failures as a person. I don't believe you really feel this way.

FYI black and white people are suffering from the crime in SA. Have you no compassion for human beings?

bovinerebel said... born every minute. Read the post again and try and make some sense next time you respond. My post is making fun of the ridiculous way that white South Africans talk about South Africa to foriegners. Do I really have to spell it out ? Come on !

Anonymous said...

Diary of a typical black South African......
5am-Find woman to rape and spread AIDS
6am-Find woman to rape and spread AIDS
7am-Find woman to rape and spread AIDS
8am-Find woman to rape and spread AIDS
9am-Find woman to rape and spread AIDS
10am-Find woman to rape and spread AIDS
11am-Find woman to rape and spread AIDS
12am-Find woman to rape and spread AIDS
1pm-Find woman to rape and spread AIDS
2pm-Find woman to rape and spread AIDS
3pm-Find woman to rape and spread AIDS
4pm-Find woman to rape and spread AIDS
5pm-Find woman to rape and spread AIDS
6pm-Find woman to rape and spread AIDS
7pm-Find woman to rape and spread AIDS
8pm-Find woman to rape and spread AIDS
9pm-Find woman to rape and spread AIDS
10pm-Find woman to rape and spread AIDS
11pm-Find woman to rape and spread AIDS
12pm-Go to sleep and think about getting a job.

bovinerebel said...

yes anon...that's another way of making the same point. That some white people are totally delusional idiotic racists.

Anonymous said...

Afri-can bovril cow herder/rebel-person:
You are more like the white racists than you are different. You are attracting bad publicity for SA. They will cancell the 2010 cup because of what you wrote here..

You are a last-word-freak and the goat's bollocks LOL

Anonymous said...

Ag shame, bovine, do you need a hug?

Anonymous said...

Contrary to your comments my little bovine kaffir, not every honkie has a bad comment about Sa. In fact, the best country in the world, apart from you lot. Australia certainly is not paradise, but without you , it is close.....

Anonymous said...

bad taste is an understatement... this is sick.
bovinerebel, you are a c*nt...

bovinerebel said...

I feel like I'm being bukkaked with stupid. Holy boys of Christ. Do you people understand satire or sarcasm ?

Anonymous said...

The only stupid in all the kak is you. What did you expect with this rubbish blog? To be bukkaked with love? Leave Christ out of this, you are on your own. This is not satire, it's not funny. It sickens me. You must apologise for all crime victims for making fun of their suffering.

Anonymous said...

There is nothing wrong with black people,My pa used to own a few.

Anonymous said...

Fuck you anonymous, my pa used to own yo' mama.

Bovine you are a bovineturd for writing shit like this!

Anonymous said...

Ja Flappie. Get some.

CaN-d-AcE said...

Joke about it all you want, the facts are there, make what you want of it ...... An average of "32,000" yes 32 000 violent deaths a year are officially recorded in South Africa - but the government severely censors crime statistics -- and the actual death rate could be twice the annual 32,000 recorded average. The rest of this horror story can be read on these official statistics

Police stats in PDF format:

NOTE: The actual murders are hidden by splitting 'murders' and 'culpable homicides' into different categories - right at the top of the list they first show total murders, plus...if you scroll down the list you will find the culpable homicides.
When taken together, the official number is huge - over 32,000 murders per annum. The USA by comparison, with 6 times our population, only has 16,000 murders per annum.

As ghastly as the official figures are, they’re most probably doctored. Interpol have South African murder statistics that are roughly double the official South African state statistics, while the South African Medical Research Council claims there are approximately a third more murders in South Africa than the official police statistics reveal.

The Rooster said...

can-d-ace the only reason I've not responded to that yet is that I was expecting sometime you were going to stumble upon the embarrassing fact that you don't understand what culpable homicide is. Cupable homicid in South Africa means killing someone due to's very different from murder. F for fail.

Ps : This is bovinerebel

Anonymous said...

Hmmm cow and chicken fantasy...

The rooster is a cow... hmmm... the plot thickens...

Anonymous said...

Nah, I think I solved the mystery... It's like metaphorical or some shit... very deep...
The cow wants to be a rooster... like that lil piggy that wanted to be a sheepdog... it's an oxy-moron/bovine-moron issue.
Dude, thanks for dragging us into your identity crisis...

Anonymous said...

I thought that this was well written, obviously an exaggeration.
It is pretty accurate if you condense it back to reality in terms of how people really talk about South Africa.
If crime really wasn’t such a big issue I’m pretty sure these people would also see the humour in your writing.
But there is an air of naivety in your way of thinking, I don’t think that you have experienced crime in the same way that most people in South Africa have.
I never base my opinions on those of other people, I’d rather use my own experience to form them. And in my experience when you have been robbed and mugged
as many times as I have and when staring down the barrel of a gun, you tend to drastically alter your perception of the rainbow nation. When all the assailants are black, and those of the people
who have been affected (especially in the case of violent and senseless crimes )’s not that much of a stretch to go from anger to hate. Human nature kicks becomes us vs them.
You realise that black people are inherently violent and savage and that all this bullshit about people being equal was an extravagant lie. You realise that your generation is taking the brunt of the paypack for the previous generations’ mistakes... being discriminated against because of the color of our skins in the form of BEE and AA. This in unison with the government’s endless pursuit of my culture’s destruction and the sistematic elimination of every sign that we ever existed has bred an entire new generation of racists. They hate us and we hate them.

Pretty soon, you will have to pick a side...because they already have.sqjwg

The Rooster said...

Anon that's a pretty intelligent response. I do understand he dynamics of fear , and the only way to deal with it is to be rational. That's what I'm proposing we need in South Africa...clear thinking...because policy dictated by fear....that's when things get ugly.

Anonymous said...

Rooster you are a sick fuck

The Rooster said...

Seriously people....are your minds so freaking loopy with bizare fear that you can't even recognise this as satire ? Gives yourselves a good slap through the face and pull yourselves together.