2007
Seoul, South Korea
Waegukin. That's what I am in South Korea. Teaching English for a livable wage. Far removed from my previous privileged status that allowed my flowery and lofty liberal ideals to flourish. For the first time in my life I encounter something uncomfortable from the other side and I don't like it : Racism.
My head is awash with contradictions. I reflect upon my privileged status in South Africa. I seethe at my new found stereotype of being barbaric, hairy, oversexed, big nosed and doe eyed. As the blog I briefly wrote there can attest to:
Example 1
Example 2
I grow defensive about my heritage and culture. I grow homesick for South Africa. I start a blog about South Africa.........
And I attack. I swing wildly at the projections of myself I see everywhere. I hack away with snark and satire at all that is innate and true that I loathe. I berate and belittle out of a misplaced nostalgia for the mollycoddled days of my liberal past.
Quickly I attract a lot of attention from websites like "Southafricasucks" and "stormfront" with healthy followings. I'm still a young man, and I'm still entrenched in "social justice" principles. My little blog at that time attracting thousands of views per day and hundreds of less than flattering comments of course puts my foot hard down on the peddle of confirmation bias. I'm feeling more self righteous than ever. More smug than ever in my "special knowledge" of the "social sciences". I see my detractors are "ignorant, bigoted, verkrampte, hateful, old men" and myself as the defender of all that is virtuous.
The fact that they do tend to be men in their 40's (or with a little more life knowledge than myself as I can now see it) and I'm a man in my twenties of course who came through the liberal education system post Apartheid. These old men were obviously indoctrinated by "swaart gevaar" and "rooi gevaar" and if only they could see the errors of their ways. I feel so superior that from time to time I pity them as I white knight along my crusade.
Thinking back....I can even begin to forgive myself. The cards really were stacked up against me. I'm not a stupid or poorly intention kid. My brain has just been stuffed too full of things that aren't well thought out. And then even more unpleasant stuff appeared in there......
Part 3 : ...A red pill.
4 comments:
How quickly a year flies by without part 2 happening...
I'll be active again on this blog (sincerely this time)almost daily from here on. I've got a lot to say about the state of affairs in the country right now.
I check back on your site every few months. Your calmer and more reflective demeanor is very refreshing. I'm glad you took a break from that constant fighting. How could it possibly not be toxic to anyone both emotionally and intellectually? Its hard/impossible to keep a clear head while constantly being on the defensive and offensive like that. Looking forward to seeing the new you in action on your blog.
PS - My views haven't changed very much since our last online encounters, though they have become more refined. Plus, I don't care much anymore about convincing others that I'm right (which is sometimes a very correctable standpoint). I've become much more of an observer.
Boertjie....ah we had some fights back in the day. As I said this blog will be active again, I'm just writing the little explanation of how my views have changed else that would be taking a 180 degree turn without hitting on brakes. An intellectual handbrake turn so to speak. Also I feel I owe the many people I offended an explanation.
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