(I'll add more pictures to this article later , when I get time, so if you care resvisit later..)
The South African garden route . Splendid , gorgeous , beautiful . Whilst everybody knows the garden route extends from Cape Town , nobody can quite pinpoint where it ends .
However , what everyone universally agrees upon is that it stops somewhere BEFORE Port Elizabeth .
I hope for your sake you have been lucky enough to never visit Port Elizabeth . If you have you probably aren't reading this as you've likely committed suicide , or at least gouged out your eyes .
Man , I fucking hate Port Elizabeth .
Living in Port Elizabeth ....well I don't so much “live” here as “try refrain from killing everyone” ...is an experience I could liken to having your soul raped . It's hard to decide what the worst thing about Port Elizabeth is as one is really spoiled for choice : The wind , the people , the industrial overkill , the dolphins....
Port Elizabethans (that's the politically correct name for people from Port Elizabeth , but I prefer “Assholes” ) , until not long ago used to take pride in having a certain dolphin named “Dolly” . Dolly until she finally died (thank god) , was the oldest living Dolphin in captivity . This tells us 3 things .
Port Elizabeth has crap , old dolphins that can't even jump high .
Dolly was either lazy , or useless at escaping , and didn't deserve all that fish .
People in Port Elizabeth have no fucking lives .
Believe it or not , but the dolphins aren't even the worst thing about Port Elizabeth .. Firstly it has a lot of Adults. Afrikaner adults , which of course translates into a lot of overweight men in shorts and long socks , playing the song “De le Ray” from their Isuzu bakkies , wherever you go .The real crime of course is that in a cruel and unreasonable piece of government legislature , you are not even allowed to shoot them . And then there's the ”sokkie” music and “langarm” dancing , although possibly for this I assume the odd “drop” of murder is tolerated .
Secondly , P.E has lots of old people . Old people for which nobody wants to take responsibility for . They let them walk around willy-nilly mixing with the decent folk , without even so much as a leash ! Stupid old people everywhere , getting in the way ! Getting in the way , and farting .
If I had old people , I'd lock them into a room with some bingo and shout “shuddup and play old jerks ! “
Sometimes you even see them driving cars . What cocktail of crazy pills are people on to allow this ? If I see old people driving , even if they are driving normally I hoot and shout at them . Dumb old people : always giving me stupid woolen stuff and asking for the time . Always pretending they have something to offer and aren't worthless......give it up...you fooling nobody !
Man , the things I have to put up with .
Thirdly , Port Elizabeth has lots of children . At about 2pm they emerge.....children walking around in their little nasty gangs all dressed alike , talking about playstation . If the opportunity arises I'll always try and trip on or two , and inform them of my intentions to shag their mothers....but people tend to give you weird looks . Port Elizabeth freaks !
There's only one thing to do about all of this . And that's blow Port Elizabeth up . I'm not suggesting some pansy ass nuclear bombing ...I'm saying like ...the entire world's nuclear arsenal . I can't think of a better and more amusing way to rid the world of it's nuclear capacity . Humanity wants world peace , I want to blow the shit out of port elizabeth ....sounds to me like a fair trade .
I understand that we run the danger of actually blowing up the entire planet in such a scenario....but is it a risk worth taking .?
....well just look at this picture....
.....the answer is "Yes !"