Friday, 3 April 2009

Real South African issues : Port Elizabeth

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(I'll add more pictures to this article later , when I get time, so if you care resvisit later..)

The South African garden route . Splendid , gorgeous , beautiful . Whilst everybody knows the garden route extends from Cape Town , nobody can quite pinpoint where it ends .

However , what everyone universally agrees upon is that it stops somewhere BEFORE Port Elizabeth .

I hope for your sake you have been lucky enough to never visit Port Elizabeth . If you have you probably aren't reading this as you've likely committed suicide , or at least gouged out your eyes .

Man , I fucking hate Port Elizabeth .

Living in Port Elizabeth ....well I don't so much “live” here as “try refrain from killing everyone” an experience I could liken to having your soul raped . It's hard to decide what the worst thing about Port Elizabeth is as one is really spoiled for choice : The wind , the people , the industrial overkill , the dolphins....

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Port Elizabethans (that's the politically correct name for people from Port Elizabeth , but I prefer “Assholes” ) , until not long ago used to take pride in having a certain dolphin named “Dolly” . Dolly until she finally died (thank god) , was the oldest living Dolphin in captivity . This tells us 3 things .

  1. Port Elizabeth has crap , old dolphins that can't even jump high .

  2. Dolly was either lazy , or useless at escaping , and didn't deserve all that fish .

  3. People in Port Elizabeth have no fucking lives .

Believe it or not , but the dolphins aren't even the worst thing about Port Elizabeth .. Firstly it has a lot of Adults. Afrikaner adults , which of course translates into a lot of overweight men in shorts and long socks , playing the song “De le Ray” from their Isuzu bakkies , wherever you go .The real crime of course is that in a cruel and unreasonable piece of government legislature , you are not even allowed to shoot them . And then there's the ”sokkie” music and “langarm” dancing , although possibly for this I assume the odd “drop” of murder is tolerated .

Secondly , P.E has lots of old people . Old people for which nobody wants to take responsibility for . They let them walk around willy-nilly mixing with the decent folk , without even so much as a leash ! Stupid old people everywhere , getting in the way ! Getting in the way , and farting .

If I had old people , I'd lock them into a room with some bingo and shout “shuddup and play old jerks ! “

Sometimes you even see them driving cars . What cocktail of crazy pills are people on to allow this ? If I see old people driving , even if they are driving normally I hoot and shout at them . Dumb old people : always giving me stupid woolen stuff and asking for the time . Always pretending they have something to offer and aren't worthless......give it fooling nobody !

Man , the things I have to put up with .

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Thirdly , Port Elizabeth has lots of children . At about 2pm they emerge.....children walking around in their little nasty gangs all dressed alike , talking about playstation . If the opportunity arises I'll always try and trip on or two , and inform them of my intentions to shag their mothers....but people tend to give you weird looks . Port Elizabeth freaks !

There's only one thing to do about all of this . And that's blow Port Elizabeth up . I'm not suggesting some pansy ass nuclear bombing ...I'm saying like ...the entire world's nuclear arsenal . I can't think of a better and more amusing way to rid the world of it's nuclear capacity . Humanity wants world peace , I want to blow the shit out of port elizabeth ....sounds to me like a fair trade .

I understand that we run the danger of actually blowing up the entire planet in such a scenario....but is it a risk worth taking .?

....well just look at this picture....

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.....the answer is "Yes !"


Anonymous said...

That Maddox. What a great guy. That Maddox.

Oh wait... this isn't his site. How silly of me.

The Rooster said...

Is this where I go into a long detailed tirade about how I was writing in this style well before maddox even got out of nappies in defence against your opinion ?

Maybe , but then again I'll reflect upon that a little more later when I can convince myself to give a tiny bit of a shit.

Anonymous said...

ok whos maddox?

The Rooster said...

He's a very funny and talented writerof sscerbic obervational humour. Sadly Some snot nosed kids seemed to believe he invented the genre. Sorry carlin, ben hicks etc were doing this stuff when maddox was a glint in his fathers eye.

The Rooster said...

With all of that asie. I really do fucking hate port elizabeth.

Anonymous said...

i thought it was called mandela bay now

Anonymous said...

Oh no...not another quarter wit rambling...
Think of someone who "comments" (used VERY loosely) on the overall political & socio-economic pros & cons of a southern african quasi democracy then, suddenly feels the need to turn his attention to a small, insignificant "town" on the south coast... singling out the elderly and children... One word comes to mind - LOSER!
Get a grip... You can always judge a turd world country (I think its one of the criteria that your rotten-to-the-core, Jayzee run kleptocracy excels at) by how it respects & treats its elderly an young...
With you and your infantile mentality somewhere down the pecker chain, expect to be there for a long time...get comfortable.

Anonymous said...

The garden route ends / starts in Uitenhage - Known as the "garden town"