Thursday, 12 March 2009

If you have a spare torpedo....I have a suggestion for it's use...

It all looked good on the brochure . A sea cruise . Shit , something , I thought , very hard even for me not to enjoy .


Man . Was I f#cking wrong .


The events I’m about to describe to you are not for the faint hearted and involve amongst other shitty things , a catatonia inducing blend of both Kurt Darren and Afrikaaners .


Things started off pretty well . I managed to drive through Durban without one single Indian trying to scam me . Freakish luck aside , it all went downhill from there . And quickly .

Upon arriving at the harbour I laid eyes upon my vessel . The rather unaptly named "symphony" . If The QE2 is the "queen of the seas" , then the Symphony is surely the crack whore . Fuck that boat . I didn't have time to dwell on this much as I was soon bitchslapped with the worst of news . Kurt Darren would be on board as the "entertainment" .

This breaks one very important and fundamental law I like to live by . Let me demonstrate .


I have long since resigned myself to the fact that I'm a failure as an astronaut and nuclear physicist and that I must live out my shitty life in the same universe and even worse ,share the planet with Kurt Darren . But the same boat ? I was forced to make some tough decisions . Share a boat with my nemesis and universally reknown cunt , Kurt Darren , or give someone free money . Fuck them . I boarded .

Big mistake . From the very moment the ship headed out to sea I was stuck in a personalised experience of hell .

Correct me if I'm wrong , but when thinking of the experience of a "sea cruise" , I somehow got this sort of image in my head of sophistication . Quaint deckside banter and quirky , but informative lectures on "The big bang theory" . Sipping cocktails and sharing investment advice with real estate tycoons . Scantily clad , but endearingly classy exotic waitresses eager to smile and giggled at our good tasted quips , while a well rehearsed mini orchesta serenaded us with the works of Bach (Johan Sebastian , fuck the other guy) , Beithoven , Tschaikovsky and Mozart .

Oh . And this .





Let's take a look at the reality shall we ?





Now , it's not that I have anything against fat people . It's just that I hate them and they piss me off . But fat people with umbrellas ? You must be joking .

Now add in the nasiating dimension that 99.9% of these fat people were Afrikaans . I was stuck on a boat with 1500 fat afrikaaners including , but exclusively , Kurt Darren .


I'll alow a brief moment for shuddering and general noises of dissaproval/vomiting .

One plays these things out in your mind from time to time . We all have our great fears and nightmares . Mine had just become a reality .

Of course the sensible thing to do would be to jump and swim for it , and if not for fear of heart stabbing stingrays and sobriety I would have done it . Instead like a masochistic idiot I headed for my cabin .

After guzzling away a bottle of my booze I sneaked on board (you kind of allowed to bring it on , but I like my illusions of anti establishmental anarchy ) I braved out to the deck . That's when I saw it .

Line dancing .

To Achy breaky heart .

By Billy Ray Cyris .

Line dancing ........

Evidence of a world gone mad , is the unreasonable illegality through which we're not allowed to kill people who line dance . There should be a simple test which people should have to pass in order to be allowed to not die . And it should definately ask about line dancing .

"Fuck this" , I predictably said . I headed to the casino and proceeded to try soothe myself with good old fashoned vice .

18 comments:

Anonymous said...

nice and funny

The Rooster said...

Actually I wrote this after last time and it's all a joke and I'll be going again in a week. It's good fun if you're into copious amounts of drinking and wife nabbing. And as luck would have it ,I am.

Anonymous said...

wife nabbing hey

so u fancy yourself a ladies man hey

Anonymous said...

although to be honest afrikaans ladies are super hot mmmmm mmmm mmmmm

The Rooster said...

A ladies man ? Sure !

I don't suffer delusions....I enjoy them.

The Rooster said...

although to be honest afrikaans ladies are super hot mmmmm mmmm mmmmm
--------------


Damn straight ! Bitches be fine !

Anonymous said...

so rooster, my darling sharkies lost
badly i think the jet lag was`a factor

who do u think is s. africas best eightman

i think spies although kankowski and duane vermuulen is great to

not a watson fan

i know this is off topic but
bored of writing to u bout crime and aids and government corruption tis old news

Anonymous said...

i think the sharks were over confident to

The Rooster said...

I hate to admit it , but spies has it for now...though I rate kankowski enough to play him at flanker with schalk (although there's a bit of sampson about him this season) ...

Yeah sharks played horrible rugby.....I have been shouting at the tv all morning...I mean the fucking reds !!!!

Anonymous said...

hey rooster

i feel sorry for kabamba floors
as i think he is also a good flanker
but i think his size is against him

but if u have schalk and kanko
in the boks togther
u leave out juan smith
and he is also world class

Anonymous said...

i think henno mentz is anpther player at the moment playing great rugby

i think he shoud be in the boks
i mean habana is great but really lacking form

and is not the threat he once was
and henno is looking mean and hungry

The Rooster said...

Juan Smit has the personality of a brick. Drop the boring bastard !

Anonymous said...

Juan Smit has the personality of a brick. Drop the boring bastard !

ha ha nice one

Anonymous said...

rooster

where did u find that fat tannie ?

The Rooster said...

rooster

where did u find that fat tannie ?

------------

F-knows. They're really not that hard to find in this country.

Anonymous said...

the fat and skinny gurl pics are like before the milk tart and koek sister and then after the milk tart and koek sisters

Anonymous said...

"Don’t believe Zille’s pessimistic predictions of doom and gloom if Jacob Zuma becomes the next president. He will be a far better president than Thabo Mbeki.
Mbeki is a mass murderer. His AIDS denialism cost the lives of millions of South Africans."

- http://capetownnews.co.za/2009/03/17/helen-zille-tries-to-destroy-confidence-in-a-zuma-led-south-africa/#comments

Rooster, please, for the love of god, rip this guy's comments to shit. Zuma won't be better than Mbeki, and Mbeki's AIDS policies were spot on.

Anonymous said...

A man has been bludgeoned to death at Sydney Airport when a bikie gang confronted a rival group at one of the domestic terminals.

Police said a group of men arrived on a flight to Sydney about 1.30pm (AEDT) on Sunday and were unexpectedly met by what they believe to be a rival outlaw bikie group.

At the arrival area of the Qantas T3 terminal, witnesses told police the fight ensued and made its way to upstairs to the departure area where one of the men was hit over the head with a portable bollard.

Ambulance crews treated the man on the scene before he was rushed to Prince of Wales Hospital at Randwick.

Four other men have been arrested over the incident and are being questioned by police.

Detective Inspector Peter Williams said police suspect more than a dozen men from rival bikie gangs were involved, but are waiting to confirm the information.

"Police are investigating an incident in the T3 terminal today where up to 15 men were involved in a melee which ultimately resulted in a male person being killed," Det Williams told reporters at Sydney Airport.

Traffic into the airport has been reduced to a crawl at the domestic terminals. Roads leading to the T3 departures have been cordoned off as a crime scene.

Flights have not been delayed, but passengers have been warned to plan more travel time to the airport.