The real issues #1 : Afrikaaners

Excuse my absense these past few days , but to be perfectly honest the weather has been far too beautiful my side of the country to bother even thinking about getting on a computer. Reason number 1 974 532 to love South Africa : the weather.

Now that I've effectively debunked all the false snake oil notions of South Africa going around the internet , I thought I'd turn my attention for the moment to some of the actual real problems plaguing our beautful land. Desite it's mostly excellent government and improving social conditions , South Africa is not without its hinderences. I thought I'd bring the top 5 perils facing our nation today to your attention this week. These are in no specific order , but I'll start today with number 1.

Problem 1 : Afrikaaners

So what do I have against Afrikaaners ?

Nothing.

What would I like against them ?

A big Anvil.

Seriously a group of people who celebrate as their greatest achievement as the time they went on a long walk , can't be much good. And on closer inspection that's is exactly right. They're no good at all.

Now it goes without saying that Afrikaaners are crap. A nation that identifies with people who rode around on horses dressed as a mixture between zz top and boy scouts , can't fairly be described as “not crap”. It's however how this crapness seeps into and infects South African culture , oozing like puss from every radio station and tv set that is the inherent problem.

Now I'm not proposing we kill afrikaaners or anything so dramatic. They have in fact proved very useful in the new South Africa by guarding our cars and cleaning the toilets. However I do have to insist that we do a little something about their inteference in popular culture in our country. In the spirit of offering a solution for cultural vermin that Afrikaaners are , I propose the following measures be put into place.

1)Exterminate Kurt Darren. The very social fabric that weaves civilisation together almost rips apart upon every Kurt Darren album release. I fear we are one fat kurt pelvic thrust away from being thrown into a primeval state of chaos and decay.

2)Ban the Afrikaans language. The whole thing just sounds like people gargling , spitting , coughing up phlemgn and burping anyway. It's not as if afrikaaners ever have anything intelligent or interesting to say anyway , so why do they need a language ?

3)Take 7 De Laan off the air and replace it with something more entertaining such as footage of freshly painted walls. Or at least something more dignified like midget wrestling. The blonde one however can be allowed to stay on television on provision she is never allowed to speak or wear clothing. A fair compromise . Every episode of 7 De Laan being screened is travelling across the universe as we speak , and god help us if any aliens ever pick it up , because they'll be manning their star cruisers and cocking their laser guns with South Africa in their sights. 7 De Laan is a gallactic suicide note.

4)Ban Sokkie dancing. I really shouldn't have to explain why. Just do it. For the sake of our childrens future. Please , think of the children.

5)Burn any two tone khaki shirts in existance. This really is for their own benefit because when the time comes that I am king, let's face it, you may as well just wear a target on your chest than a two tone shirt. Not to sound meterosexual or anything , but a two tone shirt is the fashion equivalent of child rape. When I am King you will be first against the wall.


There. I think I've proposed 5 very elegant and practical solutions to help "perfect" our country. Write your local government representative and express your approval.