A few times on average each year I’m forced to tolerate the fascist state like rape of my civil liberties that is the process of passing through international airport immigration and customs.
It’s bad enough before you even arrive anywhere. Flying itself is nothing but a modern slave sardine ship. Somewhere in the past few years it has gone from warm smiles and customer first service, to being made to feel like some form of commodity, and contraband commodity at that. You’re cattle like processed, labelled, half stripped down, xrayed , deprived of certain luxuries, sexually molested and then conveyor belt packaged and strapped into your little cell-chair. Jaded unfriendly wardens strole up and down and lay down some form of slop presumed for human consumption, begrudgingly pouring you drops of miserable wine into plastic mugs to try and keep you tranquilised so you don’t all stand up and start killing everybody.
Well fuck you seat belt signs. I won’t be pavlovianly manipulated like a rat in a skinner box anymore. It’s time we stood up said …hey ! Fuck you ! I’m a human being god dammit !!! I shouldn’t have to pay a months salary to get upgraded to the status where I just get treated like one ! I don’t care what it takes….sort this shit out and don’t be surprised when people want to blow your fucking airplanes up. I bet the guys on September 11th were only half –arsed and almost joking when they got on those planes. But a few minutes of condescending glorified fucking waitresses, with too much make up to cover up the dark rings from the nights snorting cocaine off the dicks of wallstreet bankers, telling you the best position of your own fucking seatback with a shit eating capped tooth grin……well that would fill anyones veins with steely determination.
Anyway I digress. Time after time when I leave Johanessburg international (because Oliver is a dumb name which brings up connotations of the cockney English and musical theatre at the same time and is just asking for trouble) I expect to arrive back to the much promised make over. After all the arrivals hall is the first impression you get when arriving in a new country.
Well if you ask me one of two things happened.
a) They have done sweet fuck all to fix anything and it looks like a pile of shit.
b) Someone whose reputation was not in correlation with his talent or intelligence was asked to design something to represent “The modern Future of Africa!”. Either he extremely enthusiastic with pushing the envelope with the future idea and someone forgot to reign him in and say “woooah boet…..let’s not be over ambitious and try represent a future somewhere pre the apocalypse!” ...or he was just a cunt.
Either case it’s a disgrace, I know most as my asswipe readers haven’t left the country much , or they’d know how awesome it is here compared to other places, but let me assure you we have very little to be proud of at Johannesburg international.
Apart from the crappy look of the place, it takes you 30 minutes to pass through immigration on a good day. Given this is to do with the fact that masses of South African people are returning to the country from abroad (what’s that economic growth rate in Europe again folks -3% ? bwahahahahaha) and tourists are flocking in like never before thanks to the “weak” rand, its of course not in anyway bad news. But truly I emplore someone to get their head out of their arse and sort this shit out.
And the lady in charge of customs. Listen and listen good bitch. You ever fucking talk to me without colouring your language with a few more social graces, and lowering your town to that expected when dealing with a human being rather than a dog whose pissed on the carpet….you do that ever again and I’ll flat out smack your face. But not before lubricating it with some saliva.
Normally I feel better after these little rants , but not today. Fuck the entire aviation industry. Fuck airports and fuck everyone else who gets in my fucking way when I’m trying to queue. Cunts !