Dear doctor Rooster: Why am I such a muppet ?

In the spirit of generosity and saving some time I'd thought I'd offer up some of the frequently asked questions typical White South Africans have each Monday , with brief accurate answers by resident experts in various fields , so as to give a holistic diagnosis to your symptoms. I do this in a form of lending you my brain seeing as yours is not capable of the rudimentary cognitive functioning required to breath and think critically at the same time.


Question 1 : Why do I wrongly feel like black people want to kill me ? Why do I entertain silly notions like Uhuru ?


Answer :

Psychologist Rooster says : Simple really. Firstly while you might be in denial about it , you're riddled with the guilt of having treated black people like subhuman animals your whole life. Whilst there has for the most part been extremely good will from black South Africans towards whites , you however can't shake of the feeling that they ought to hate you. And while you are right (they ought to hate you) you're wrong to project and deflect this self hate for what you've done back at them. You'd be wise to reflect upon this and maybe you'd learn to forgive yourself. This however involves coming to terms with what you have done and facing it head on. Reflect upon how you've callously and smugly mistreated and abused the black human beings around you both actively and passively. Once you do this you'll stop projecting your self hate and I think you will find you'll stop seeing monsters under every under every bed and in every cupboard.


Anthropologist/Sociologist/Machiavellian Rooster says : You're engaging in a process of identity crisis whereby your exaggerating the differences of others and trivialising the similarities. There are various reasons you do this. Firstly you're pursuing a political agenda. You're clinging tightly to he notion of race to socially maneuver yourself into a position of advantage , or as well call it : self aggrandisement. This is a hangover from the apartheid days where it was of clear and obvious benefit to you. Today however it's a purely self destructive and unsophisticated world view and you'd be better off realising you're best social strategy was to integrate and assimilate the veneer of social fabric woven throughout South Africa. The second reason you're doing this is the very human tendency to make the “all or nothing” logical fallacy. Either way , you'll be well served formulated a more sophisticated view of your world.


Socio-economist rooster : Whilst you might wrongly be buying into the very weak correlation between black people and violent crime , you're ignoring the important act that there is instead an extremely strong correlation between extreme poverty and violent crime. The weak correlation between black people an crime stems solely from the strong correlation between black people and extreme poverty. Simply put : Crime is symptom of poverty , not race. Grossly speaking the relationship between black people and crime only extends as far as the relationship between black people and poverty. You're fear for black people is therefore irrational and misguided and would be more accurately stated as “Fear of extremely poor people”.


Rooster : They don't want to kill you , so stop being such a paranoid mess with a hair trigger fight or flight reflex. Don't feed into the sensationalistic fear spewing machine that is the South African media. Step back from it all and take a good long rational look at your country. Either you decide there's something here worth striving for , or you frankly just leave. The last thing the country needs is more naysayers and negative idiots getting in the way of progress. I don't know about you but when I make and investment in my future I'd prefer to work with a positive bank manager , rather than one predicting the demise of my assets.


Next weeks Question : Why am I so wrong and misguided when I complain about affirmitive action ?

(If you have a question you'd like answer please email me)